It's not being selfish. Everyone wants theirs. It's not bad that I am being upfront and straightforward with the people I care for/love or want to love. Too long have I put myself last in line for enlightenment, for my little piece of heaven... for happiness.
I am done with toying with emotions. I am sure people aren't done doing it with me, but honestly. We are all adults now aren't we? And I don't think that I am better than anyone in anyway. It has taken me half my life -29 years- to get to this point and realize that honesty is the only way to go. Sure I should be concerned about others feelings, I am, but even after speaking my mind I, or we, have to move forward and work on it from there. You can't ignore the small things in life. They accumulate. They destroy. I have been in a few situations that I have thought I had everything going for me. But my lack of communication... let me rephrase, my inability to communicate truthfully -with myself or others- was/is my biggest failure.
What have I gained by telling people what I think they want to hear up to this point in my life. Nothing. Well nothing in the sense of positive personal gain. What have I gained in telling myself what I wanted to hear... self pity now that I think about it. I pity my past self, for leading myself on. And also I despise my past self for leading others on. Add that to the list of shitty things I have done in my life...
But we all have those lists. No one is perfect. I am realizing this more and more. That list defines us. It is who we are. And if you can't learn and grow from it... you're in a worse place than I.
TL;DR Honesty is king, happiness is key. Ima get mine.